…There I am.

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I ran, and I ran,
As far as I could.
I ran from the bad,
In search of the good.
But wherever I went,
It would always still be.
The one that I ran from…
Turned out to be me.

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I was attempting to go back to simplicity, but the darkness in this image looked a little too eerie to be minimalistic. I did it in Illustrator, but then went elsewhere to get the pencil/paint effect.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about my blogging. I realize that sometimes I go on and on a little too much about my personal thoughts, but I have to tell you that I just see no way around that. That was the whole point of my blog in the first place, many moons ago. To record my journey.

So… I thought I would mention why I wrote this little poem to accompany my image. First of all, it kind of went with the mood, but the other reason is because that is actually a true story – it’s something I did for YEARS. As a drinker.

Whenever I would quit drinking I’d stop going to certain places, or I’d stop hanging out with certain individuals. That would be Ok and completely understandable if the reason behind this alienation was that these places and people were at the root of my drinking – but that was not the case. I mean, yes and no.

But the point here is that what I learned decades later, after finally doing an actual recovery program, was that I was really trying to hide from myself. I thought that those places and people reminded me of who I “used to be,” but the fact of the matter was that I WAS still ME. I could not leave that ‘old’ me behind with those ‘other’ things, because I was always there… right beside myself… ready to do my dirty deeds all over again.

I think that what actually made me see this, that I learned only through the program, was the process of taking a personal inventory and owning up to my mistakes and wrong doings. So… this could also explain why I tend to go on so much about my thoughts – it’s just a habit, and it helps me think and see more clearly.

It’s funny though, because much of what I’ve learned via therapy classes is the same thing – getting people to see their own problems or erroneous thinking without actually telling them that.

Of course, there are many external issues that can be traumatic and that are totally out of an individual’s control, but when you’re talking about the internal matters, so much of it just requires a real and honest hard look inside of oneself.

Anyway… that’s enough talk for now. Thanks for reading or checking it out. I hope you enjoyed something here!

Until next time,
-Janet