Tag / Recovery

by Janet

Enough About Me.

But first, let me explain.

Those of you who know me, or are familiar with my journey, should also be aware of the fact that I started this blog to share the story of my life—or my transformation—from unbelief and alcoholism, to faith and recovery. That being said, most of my stories are about yours truly… 

ME.

I’ve said many times, usually out of frustration, that my transformation is basically internal. It can’t really be seen because the spiritual awakening that is experienced in recovery is a miracle that changes people on the inside. But oftentimes, I still go on, talking about my goals and pursuits in hopes that the changes in me can be seen by others… in the form of some accomplishment, victory, or success that is of a tangible nature.  

I mentioned before that I had started reading Jewel’s memoir, Never Broken, and that eventually I’d share my thoughts on it. I can tell you that most of the book is amazing. Jewel’s life was tough—from living on a homestead in Alaska with no indoor plumbing, to being abandoned by her mother, to leaving home at the age of 15 because her father hit her, to being homeless on the streets in southern California… all the way to becoming a famous singer (with a beautiful folksy sound) in the 1990s. And THEN, she reconciled with her mother who proceeded to live a five star, rock star life until she had literally robbed Jewel of all of her money… we’re talking about millions and millions of dollars. 

I can also tell you that I never finished the book. I lost interest. Maybe I missed out on some valuable anecdotes in those last chapters, but the truth is that the book is just TOO long. She spends a lot of time name dropping and talking about some of her celebrity highs that just sounded like bragging to me. 

I had to ponder that for a while because it seemed strange to me that I could find the tragedies of her life so readable, while stories about her success caused me to yawn. I was reminded of Don Henley’s old song… Dirty Laundry. Is it true? “People love it when you lose, they love dirty laundry.”

That’s not exactly the case. What I actually came to realize is that it’s one thing to talk about your hardships, and how you were able to overcome them, which she does with grit and eloquence, but it’s another thing to go on and on (and on) about your experiences at the top. Maybe it’s that social comparison thing again. Nobody is going to feel better about themselves by listening to someone talk about which celebrities they’ve dated, how many records they sold, or the millions of dollars that they made (then lost, and then made again). 

For me, all of my thoughts on the matter seemed like a great lesson. Maybe my internal transformation IS enough, and maybe it IS time to talk about something else. Besides, working to improve oneself by learning, growing, and stepping out of the old comfort zone is exhilarating, but trying to “prove” something—whether it be to oneself or to others—simply steals your joy. 

If I’m aiming at goals in order to show the world that I’m different, maybe I’m not that different after all. 

So… where do I go from here?

That’s what I’ve been thinking about lately, and I have put together a list of things that I’d like to call targets—things I’d like to shoot for in the future. I thought that I had too many lingering or unfinished series on the blog last year, but then I realized that there are really no rules, so I can run any series for as long as I see fit. Removing any concept of time is key here.

My targets will be my go-to list of things that I’d like to do on the blog… so maybe this list is more for me than for you, but my hope is that—at the very least—these targets will help keep me organized.

So… here they are:

  • Haiku. My normal style here is to participate in the Ronovan Writes Haiku Challenge now and then, but in 2022 I’d like to do more and try to stretch my creativity and vocabulary in the process.
  • Humor. Another target I’ll be shooting for is more laughs. There are too many tiring subjects and debates going on in the world right now, and people are exhausted. I believe that laughter really IS the best medicine, so I’m looking forward to this one!  
  • Word of the Month (or Week). I’d like to do some shorter versions of the Word of the Year, especially since I already know that 12 months is a very long time for me to stick with any kind of program. I’ll elaborate more if and when I aim for this one. 
  • Miracles Every Day (or Everyday Miracles). I love gratitude lists, but I was watching a movie recently (Miracles from Heaven) and was inspired by the idea of believing that everything is a miracle. Jennifer Garner recites a quote by Albert Einstein: “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle and the other is as though everything is a miracle.” I’m sure you know which way I go on this one! As I pondered those words, my mind overflowed with things that I’d call miracles, so I think this will make for some uplifting and inspiring writing.
  • Short Stories. One reason I enjoy talking about myself is the fact that, as I learn hard lessons, I like to share these lessons with others. I’ve wanted, for quite a while, to experiment with fictional characters and stories where these characters learn some of the lessons that I have learned in life—I suppose it’s kind of a way to share what I’ve experienced without writing a true-to-life memoir. Of course, I also want to play around with imaginative stories that have nothing to do with my own reality, so this is a target that I am itching to dig into.
  • Family Tree. I’m not sure how this one will play out, but I sent my DNA out just after Christmas and am waiting for the results. I started a family tree last year, but only got as far as great great (or maybe great great great) grandparents. This year I hope to go as far back as possible and I’d like to share what I find out. Maybe this target is about me, in a sense, but it’s really about my family. I hope I’m able to dig up some fascinating facts about my heritage and the places my ancestors come from.
  • Illustration, Photography & Graphic Art. This one needs no explanation. One thing I’ll add, however, is that I’d like to continue on with some older series that I started…
    • Emotions
    • Windows
    • Mock Stained Glass Dancers
  • Original Story Rewrites. One thing that I definitely want to continue, that includes talking about me, is the rewriting of my story of recovery. I think that looking at the chapters with my new attitude might help me tell the tale in a new and interesting way, so we’ll see how this goes… hopefully I’ll hit the bullseye.

That’s all for now. My featured image is me (several years ago), perched upon ME. Ha-Ha! I just thought it would be fun, and maybe it’s my way of making it all about ME one last time… like one for the road.

Anyway… Thanks for reading. I hope that you’re as excited as me to hear a little less about me and a lot more about everything else!

Until later,
Peace & Love

by Janet

Fluidity

“The art of life is a constant readjustment to our surroundings.”

—Okakura Kakuzō

I’m going abstract today because the thing that’s been on my mind lately is change. Transformation, modification, alteration… call it what you will. Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes—and it is constant and never ending. That being said, I think that some of these words, or the descriptions that they imply, can be misleading.

When I began sharing my story, some 5+ years ago, the plot was pretty obvious (spoiler alert!). It was about how my life was transformed, from alcoholic / love addict, to who (or what) I am today, which is—at this moment—sober and single. The “single” part isn’t some sort of remedy or cure, it’s a biproduct of my new and improved understanding of love. Not all relationships are created equal. It’s Ok to wait for the right one—the healthy and functional one—not the one that’s just a quick fix, seducing me with the promise of a flood of dopamine and oxytocin in exchange for my soul. That’s a little extreme, but I think it illustrates my point.

Anyway, I had a major AHA moment the other day, about this nagging feeling that I get… that my story is forever falling short… that I can never quite reach that end point; the destination. Or in my case… the transformation.

I’ve been looking at it as though there is this person “who I was” (which is true—I know, because I actually “was” her), and then there is this other person that we heard about in the teaser… the person “who I have become.” The me that has been “transformed.”

The problem behind this idea of “transformation,” however, is that it signifies, or at least hints at the fact, that it is referring to something static. Like those transformer action figure toys that kids play with. They are robots, or dinosaurs, but then you can move the parts around a little here and there, and then… voila… they transform into a truck, or a car, or some other inanimate object.

I’m not a transformer toy, dammit, I am human. I may be able to change into a car one day, but come tomorrow or the next week, I may just want to be a boat! Don’t make me commit! I’m kidding, but I hope you get my drift. Living a good life, and being able to flow, evolve, and adapt is what it’s really all about.

Everyone has a “before,” we all know that. But there will never really be this static “after” that I’ve been waiting to write about, because life is about change, and change is constant. No wonder it feels as though my story will never end! And why should it? I hope that, God willing, this fluidity that I am blessed with—that we are ALL blessed with—will continue to flow within, and without, until I take my last breath.

Water is fluid, soft and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong.

Lao Tzu

About My Image: I spent a day and a half playing around with what “fluidity” looks like to me. The result can be seen in the featured image, although it looks NOTHING like it did when I started out. That was the point I suppose. I sat down to create an image using Illustrator and my usual “perfectionistic ideas,” and then each time I believed that the image had come together… I deconstructed and then reassembled it. I guess you could call it “change in motion.”

That’s about all for now. I’ve got some more things to say about fluidity and change, and the upcoming new year (which is fast approaching)… so stay tuned!

Until then,
Peace & Love.

by Janet

Sweet Surrender

I’ve been pondering this particular rewrite for several weeks now. While thinking about it, I created the featured image so that I could offer you a visual representation of what surrender looks like “to me.” What’s fascinating is that, in the process, what I was creating taught me a little something about surrender that I had never really thought about before.

In the original story, this chapter was an anecdote about the time a good friend offered to let me stay with her so that we could work on getting me sober. My stomach was in knots, and my mind was chattering non-stop; telling me that if I went away, I would surely lose my business. In hindsight, I think it was the alcohol talking. I see no common sense behind the idea. When you’re stuck in those addiction-mind-games, you fail to see that you will “most certainly” lose anything that you’re holding onto if you continue to drink (or use), so trying to convince myself that taking time out to “help myself” would be the straw that would break the camel’s back was preposterous.

“There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind – you are the one who hears it.”

– Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself

Anyway, that was my first experience with surrender; I had the marvelous realization that nothing was more important than getting the help that I needed. I had to let go—and go. Still, it would be hard to define surrender at the time. I just knew that I was letting go of whatever it was that was keeping me imprisoned—and I was going after whatever it was that would set me free.

What I noticed about the image is that the things that we hold onto (or that hold onto us)—power, money, clutter, habits, desires and worry (to name a few)—are things that we often “think” or “feel” that we need. I thought it was interesting that they are at the top, and you have to wonder if the poor girl spent half of her life pursuing these things. I mean, she must have had to work really hard to get up there to attain them, right? Some of these things don’t come easy, so it’s almost understandable that she is trying so hard to hold on.

In contrast, the things that we “actually” need—contentment, joy, love, serenity, peace and acceptance (to name a few)—are at the bottom, growing freely. If I were to guess, I’d say that if this poor girl were to let go, she would actually crash land into a soft cushion of all of the things that will make her a happier human being. How weird is that? We fight to get the things that can destroy us, but we fall into the things that we need.

It made me realize that we work really hard to get the things that we “think” are important. We have to push and climb, struggle, sweat and go through a shit load of pain… but we keep going. We WILL get there, dammit, and nobody can stop us. So, it’s no wonder we hold on so tightly when we know we have to let them go.

But the things that we REALLY need, all of those things at the bottom… don’t require hard work hard at all. We just need to let go and take the plunge. I mean, how many times have you talked to someone about their dreams or goals and heard them say something like…

“Well, my short term goals are acceptance and peace, and my long term goals are love, joy, and contentment. I know, I know… I have a long hard road ahead, but I will never give up. I am willing to sacrifice my blood, sweat and tears to make it happen.”

It just doesn’t happen. Not in my world anyway.

Thinking about this reminded me of Adam and Eve, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. I often wonder if that tree had something to do with our inclination to think that “we know best,” because that inclination can kill us. I think that’s why I added the snake (that was actually an afterthought). These things that we desire, crave, and fight for—the things that we “think” we need—are like temptations, and they can actually cause us harm. They taunt us, beckon us, and then… when we get close enough… they entangle us. Like the spider’s web traps it’s prey.

That being said, I think that another way to look at surrender is that it is the willingness to let go of the things that we “think” we need, in order to accept the things that God wants to offer us. No sweat required.

We just need to open our hands.

Thank you for reading—
I hope you found something of value here!