by Janet

I Choose Peace

I’ve been hemming and hawing for weeks (or months), the pendulum swaying back and forth; from feeling as though it’s my responsibility (as a human being) to talk (or keep talking) about current events—to the polar opposite—thinking that it’s the last thing I should even consider.

It’s been harder to write, ever since the virus began circulating and destructive human behaviors began rearing their ugly head. There’s been sickness, stock piling and greed, fear, anger, and chaos… sliding into racism, violence, protests, riots and anarchy. That’s not to say that most of this wasn’t around before the pandemic, it was just hidden a little better. Regardless, how do you go about ignoring all of that—acting as if it’s business as usual—without feeling… well… peculiar?

I’ve considered sharing some new ideas about my New Lifestyle, New Me project recently, but I’ve talked myself out of it because my personal life—and things like my lifestyle change—seem so insignificant, or trivial. So then I wonder if I should just talk about what I feel. And then I realize that I’m not sure what it is I feel, or why I even feel it! But… I think it finally hit me the other day.

I was talking to a friend about recovery meetings. She was asking me questions because she was curious about what goes on inside the rooms. I was explaining to her how all of the meetings are different. Sometimes there’s a speaker, and the rest of the room sits quietly and listens. In book study meetings, we read from certain chapters (of whichever recovery book we’re studying), and then we talk a bit about our thoughts on what we read.

And then there are the “other” meetings—the round robin meetings—where they go around the room, and each person gets about three minutes to share. I explained to her that there is no cross talk (no conversations are allowed to take place back and forth), and that everyone just listens. Once the time is up, the floor moves to the next person.

And then I told her about the uncomfortable moments I’ve had at those meetings, when I’ve watched someone break down. Sad. Struggling. Scared. In pain. Depressed. Sobbing. And then the timer dings. And the next person starts talking, almost as if nothing had happened. The room is tense and uncomfortable for a few minutes, and someone might offer the poor soul a tissue, but all in all, we just keep going—moving right along—as if it’s business as usual. It’s so peculiar!

I think one of the reasons this happens, is that it’s a room full of alcoholics. Ha! All joking aside, that is actually a true statement. Everyone in the room has the same issue. The same sickness. No one is better than the other, and no one is worse. No one goes into those rooms to fix someone else, nor are they even capable of doing that. They go there to fix “themselves.”

Once I got home, after our conversation, I realized how similar it was to how I’m feeling right now. It’s like the world around me has the floor, and it is breaking down. Sad. Struggling. Scared. In pain. Depressed. Sobbing. And here I am, listening… waiting for the timer to ding. My inclination is to reach out and grab the world, and try to fix it. But maybe—just like in the rooms—I can’t do that.

I can only fix myself. And it’s uncomfortable.

That pretty much sums it up. Life is uncomfortable right now. I think the image from pixabay works perfect. Moving forward in recovery and maintaining sobriety requires discernment. Each person is responsible for what they allow into their mind. And today, I choose peace.

Much love to you all!
—Janet

22 Comments

  2. Wowwww, Janet–this is sooo good! It echoes a lot of my thoughts/feelings. I don’t know what to share in posts–do I just write “pretty” or “funny” or “faith” poems (because my calling is to be an Encourager); or do I say that I wake up every day in Dread, and my default is suicidal ideation…and then have everybody run screaming from my blog?!! The latest news about the Seattle protesters has me in despair–but grateful I live north of the city where we just have normal crap. It’s HARD to hang onto faith that God is Sovereign and He’s moving behind the scenes for GOOD. Difficult to find humor, and appreciate the blue sky, sunsets–pretty poem stuff. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed which manifests in pain issues… I just realized you probably don’t need to hear all this, so Huge Apologies–and don’t worry, it’s just a “rogue mood” 🙂 Much love to you–I Always Love Your Posts!! Blessings, as we keep keeping on together, from a safe distance ❤

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    1. No apologizing Z! I’m glad you could at least relate to my post. I needed to say something because to go on with “business as usual” does seem so unnatural. That does not mean that our words cannot be positive, it’s just a matter of acknowledging the way things are in order to move past it. That’s my hope anyway! Much love to you xxx

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    2. Oh, thanks so much, Janet–I’m kind of a wreck, and you’ve said it so well: that acknowledging reality makes us more able to move past it’s low times. I appreciate your wisdom So MUCH! Yes, I’m north of Seattle, in Lynnwood 🙂

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  7. So well said. I was thinking today of how hard it is to be an empath these days…how sometimes I feel like my heart will break if I try to take it on, or in. But you are so right. We are responsible for what we allow into our minds, and hearts. I just wish kindness was winning these days, instead of judgement and division. Xx

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    1. I agree Collette! The other problem is that there really is goodness and kindness but now THAT is hidden. I’ve made up my mind that unless I’m standing in the trenches, I need to keep my mind focused on the good and march on forward. I’m letting the dark side win if I allow it to manipulate me. Much love to you my dear, I need to check up on you… enjoying your hubby? hehe 🙂

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