Mixed Signals

“If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.” 

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Since I’ve landed on the topic of finding my purpose, and my thoughts are still stuck on the subject, I thought I’d continue sharing my journey with you as I progress.

The quote above sums up what’s been on my mind – and my featured image as well. It’s kind of a jumble of mixed signals… or conflicting messages. I get those a lot. For the most part, it all comes from that little voice inside my head. Or should I say voice(s)? 

You know, a little voice inside tells you… “Hey, let’s go here!” And it all sounds well and good. But then another voice chimes in and says “no, no, no that’s way too far!” OR “It’s just too risky!” Before you know it, there’s a full on debate going on and you’re practically just a spectator! 

What happens to me with all of this internal chatter is not good. It would be one thing if my problem was knowing what I want but not doing it, but that’s not it. The issue that I face instead is not knowing what I want – period. 

Maybe that’s why I’m often flailing around in so many directions – because I have no idea where I’m going. No wonder I can’t find my purpose! (or my other sock for that matter!)

The quote was said to have come from Alice in Wonderland (by Lewis Carroll), but from what I understand… it’s a misquote. How appropriate is that?

Anyway, the words make a lot of sense to me because I think it can be good… but it also can be bad. Most of the time, I have the belief that randomness is the way to be. Go with the flow. Follow your heart. Do whatever feels right.

The problem with this is that feelings change. And I think our hearts change too. What seemed perfect yesterday can be completely wrong today, you know? (Think of the divorce rate these days)

So, then I start thinking that I need direction. I need a plan. Goals. Smart goals. Lists. A purpose (and here we are now).

But then those voices chime in, the debate begins, and – after a while – all I want to do is throw in the towel. It’s too much. Too confusing. I give up.

I change my direction and decide that I’ll never figure out what I want, or what my purpose is, so I return to the idea that leaving it all up to chance is so much better… so much easier. More natural.

But that’s not true. I realize now that those voices have an ulterior motive. To distract. I know that now because when I really listen to the chatter, I begin to recognize something that is vaguely familiar to me. FEAR.

Now, to be 100% transparent here, I have to share one inner conflict in particular that I’m always brushing aside. Until now. It’s embarrassing, so no judging please. This is brutal honesty here.

Every now and then, I think that maybe what I’d really like to do is write a book of some kind. That’s all well and good, of course. But here’s what the little voice says to me: “What if it’s a success?”

Well that’s not so bad now is it. But it doesn’t stop there. Then the little stinker adds, “would you have to do readings, or book signings??” Ok. That’s a scary thought.

If that’s not enough, another one chimes in. “You’d probably have to do public speaking engagements and you’d be terrible at that!”

This particular debate has gone through my head many times and… as you can see by the number of books I’ve written (ZERO)… the voices always win.

So… now that I’m seriously focusing on this “purpose” thing, I thought I’d revisit that inner dialogue and do a little analysis. I asked myself (and all those other characters inside): “What are you REALLY afraid of?

Oddly enough, I got an answer!

I’m afraid of being found out. If I wrote a book, and people actually read (and liked) it, I might have to do readings, or book signings, or maybe even public speaking engagements (God Forbid!). And then the whole world would find out what I already know. That I’m a fraud.

Not a real fraud. Just an imposter. Yep. The old “Imposter Syndrome.” That is what I have and I’m just realizing that. No. That’s a lie. I’ve known it. I’m finally facing it. Head on.

And now I’m thinking that I’ve got quite a battle ahead of me, and it might require a much longer discussion… so I’m adding a little “to be continued” to this little trip we’re on. I’m worn out.

So while I haven’t found my purpose yet, we’ve stumbled on a diagnosis. I’d say that’s a win for today!

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I was going to add a link to the original image but it appears I’ve never shared it here before. But it’s a revamp, trust me.

Anyway, I love how it applies to my journey. It’s kind of like some screwed up target. The circles are there, but you’re really not sure where to aim. Sound familiar? Haha!

Anyway, I think that’s enough sharing for today. I’ll be back soon with another revamp and hopefully some humor, so hang in there!

Until next time,
Peace & Love!

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“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek.” -Joseph Campbell