Tag / introspection

by Janet

Where am I going?

Is anyone else asking this question lately?

The featured image here is pretty significant, as it struck me in several ways. First, I took the photograph several years ago and—until yesterday—never even knew that the Santa Monica Pier is literally the end of the famous (or maybe not so famous) Route 66.

The historic route started in Illinois (Chicago), ran 2,400 miles westward (across 8 states), and ended in California, at the Pacific Ocean, right where I shot the image. Over time, the original route has been changed and rerouted, so the old Route 66 is no longer “official.” If you plan it right, you can still make the journey across a good portion of it—and there are many cool markers to be found. This is one of them… a sign delineating the End of the Trail. 

Which is ironic, because that’s actually another thing that struck me about the image… the end of the trail. Lately, there are a few things that I’ve thought about giving up, and blogging is one of them. “This image would be ideal for my farewell post,” I said to myself. The end of the road, so to speak. I know that sounds overdramatic, but I really did entertain the idea. 

Sometimes these waves come over me—however fleeting they may be—and I consider throwing in the towel. It feels as though I’m writing “much ado about nothing” and tossing empty words into an even emptier universe; the dark tunnel we call the internet. My words echo as they leave me… FADING… fading…… and then they disappear, never to return. 

For one thing, the things that I write about have morphed dramatically over time. The reason for coming aboard in the first place was to share my story of finding God and recovering from alcoholism. That story has been told. It’s preserved in time, WAY back in my archives, and there are many other bloggers out there—just like me—telling the same story. We’ve done it! We’re doing it… every day.

As for the present, I’m not an evangelist, or an apologist, and I have no education in theology, so I try to be VERY careful with my words about my faith. Someone was too quick to hint around about my errors, and I was deeply saddened by that. So… I’ve stuck to the philosophy that “living my life as I now live it” is continuous (and rather convincing) evidence of my walk of faith. And I am still sober and forever grateful for this new life.

And then I considered my New Lifestyle, New Me project. I LOVE the idea, and I’m very enthusiastic about it, but already it’s a struggle. Off to a rough start you might say. Who would have thought that the quarantine would alter our lives so drastically just as I set sail on my new adventure! Not to mention the fact that it’s embarrassing to share my thoughts along this journey, because my thoughts —like everything else in life—are ever changing. I can only imagine that trying to keep up with the wanderings of my mind is an exhausting task. 

So… Where AM I going? What am I to make of all of this? Today, writing about all of this feels good—because I’m actually getting somewhere.

No. 1 Look Outward

The first thing I see from my observations is that my lack of knowledge about the significance of that Route 66 marker is an analogy, of sorts, for my introversion. My tendency to look inward for insights and inspiration is a hindrance at times. I’m always missing out on things—things that are going on all around me—because I’m hyper focused on that odd little world that lives inside of me. Talk about a dark tunnel through an empty universe. Ha-Ha! 

I’m going to work on changing that. Rather than allowing this pandemic to bury me even deeper inside of myself… I’m going to reach out more. Less thinking and talking—more watching, looking, listening, and doing. 

No. 2 The Curse of the All or Nothing

The other thing—the really exciting thing—is the other analogy that I notice, that relates to my blogging experience, and my New Lifestyle, New Me project. If things aren’t working for me, my first inclination is always “walk away!” The changing and re-routing of the old Route 66 speaks volumes to me here. The journey is still possible, it just looks different. The road is not CLOSED, it’s just been altered.  

Having an “all or nothing” attitude toward everything has done nothing but get me into trouble—for the better part of my life. I want to DO IT BIG, or DO NOTHING. It’s so hard for me to find the middle of the road, that space in between—where perfect balance exists. But that’s exactly what is needed right now. Rather than shutting it all down, all I really need to do is some altering and re-routing, just like they did with old Route 66.

This is not the end of the trail. It’s the beginning!

Thank you for reading if you made it all the way down. I’m thrilled that these were not just empty words today—they were from my heart.

God Bless!
—Janet

Blossoms
by Janet

Faded Blues

The authentic self is the soul made visible.

Sarah Ban Breathnach

This photograph reminds me of my favorite pair of jeans— a nice shade of blue; comfortable and worn; and the perfect amount of fade. I love jeans. I have more jeans than I care to admit. Styles and sizes vary.

Jeans make me feel authentic.

When I’m in my jeans, I’m free to be me (sounds like a commercial). I can sit, stand, walk, hike, run, climb or dance… and everything feels right.

Formal attire, on the other hand, has the opposite effect. It feels like I’m wearing someone else’s clothes—clothes that don’t belong to me. Formal wear feels inauthentic to me.

Which brings me back to feeling like a fraud. I thought I’d journal, and start where it all starts—in my mind. The quote made me laugh because I thought of something that happens a lot (so there’s some humor here too).

I really AM an authentic person. I am more transparent than what most normal people would consider “socially acceptable.” In other words, I talk way too much about things that—perhaps—should be private. Not just on the blog… in the face to face world too.

What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think this “feeling like a fraud” thing has anything at all to do with being phony or inauthentic. So, that answers that. I’m no phony bologna. 🙂

What the quote made me think about is self-perception. That is where one form of this misalignment starts (and yes, there are others). I really do feel as though my soul is made visible, and—in my humble opinion—my soul is pretty easy on the eyes! She’s friendly, bubbly, youthful, joyful, healthy and full of energy and life. And my soul is always smiling.

I can’t really describe how I envision my soul, but somewhere in my subconscious—for reasons I can’t explain—she is radiant. She sparkles, and she glows. So… what happens? I walk by a mirror or a window and I see my reflection.

And suddenly I’m like “HUH? Who is that?!”

I’m not dissing myself here. All I’m saying is that my ideas about me, and the me that I see in front of me… well, they aren’t a perfect match. So, this begs the question… which one is right?

That’s all for now. It’s late again.

Thanks for reading!! I’ll pick up where I left off another time.

—Janet

by Janet

Introspection

Fear, like a giant boulder…
Stays weighted at my feet.
—Afraid I’ll miss the curtain call, I stay paralyzed…
Gazing at the stage to find my cue.

Impatience, like a cold wind…
Sends me sailing into a flurry.
—I shatter into pieces, chasing a million things…
Until all that’s left are tiny shards.

Reason, like a brilliant scientist…
Wants to put me back together.
—Like a puzzle to be solved, I inspect the fragments…
But many of the pieces have been lost.

Acceptance, like a soft embrace…
Whispers I am enough.
—The mystery becomes magical, and I feel love.

But, Gratitude… Sweet, sweet Gratitude
—Like a burning flame…
She warms my soul.

…

Inspired by the Word of the Day Challenge: Gratitude

I’ve decided to make a commitment this month. I’m going to “write something every day,” and “work on things that I find challenging.”

Today’s Accomplishment: Write a poem without a rhyme

Dr. Seuss likes to whistle tunes to me when I even ‘think’ about poetry, so this was extremely hard for me.

Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors. —African Proverb